Sometimes I forget he has cancer!

Soooo many people have been asking lately about how Brian is doing and each time I act a little surprised and answer something really stupid like: "Oh he's great!"  

And then people look back at me with a look of confusion as if to say, "He does still have cancer right? How is he great?"  

The honest truth is that sometimes I all but forget, that he has a disease in his body that could kill him and devastate our lives.  Now before you go thinking I'm a terrible wife and wondering how in the world I could forget something like that, let me explain ....

 We are a full year out from Brian's latest diagnosis and a full year through his 2 year treatment!   He only goes to the cancer center every 2 months to get what I call "a miracle drug" to keep his cancer suppressed in his body.  

So far it is working great!  His scans are clean, his blood looks "perfect" the nurse told him yesterday (I reminded him that she said his "blood" is perfect, JUST his blood! ) and .... there are NO side effects! Well at least short term .... long term if he stays on it for more than 2 years it could cause brian damage ... yeah, lets not stay on it that long I say!!  

So every other month we have a conversation that goes like this:

Brian: "I have my treatment tomorrow."

"Ohh good!" I say! 

Because treatment days are kid of fun.  

On treatment days, I pick the kids up from school & we go to Chick-fil-A (which is right next to the hospital) to pick up lunch for Dad.  

In the car I remind them of "the rules"!  1. Be quiet like the library 2. DO NOT point at people 3. Any questions you have about anyone but Dad, keep to yourself until we leave. 

(Cancer is hard to explain to kids!)

Then we pop on into the chemo room & try our best to not totally annoy all the other very sick patients in the room.  We eat lunch with Daddy, check out his IV and try to yet again explain what "cancer" is and why Daddy has to keep doing this little song and dance.  Say goodbye, again trying not to annoy every other patient and head home. 

 Daddy finishes treatment and comes home to spend the rest of the afternoon and evening with us.  It's kind of like a mini, get out of our normal routine day, like a snow day ... it's our cancer day!  

Now before I go on, let me clarify for any of you who may be feeling like I might be taking this whole cancer thing very light-heartedly, or who may even be feeling angry or offended because cancer in your life doesn't feel like this.  For you it's heavy and terrible and sad and awful and I just made light of it.  

Just so you know, in the deepest part of my heart, I hate this disease!  On my darkest days, when fear creeps in to my soul, I am filled with sadness and fear and grief for what this could one day mean for me and for our kids and for Brian. 

I am fully aware that at its worst this disease means Brian may miss seeing his kids or grandkids grow up. That the kids could forever be changed if the most sacred thing in their lives: their amazing Daddy, is torn from them.  And that I will be left trying to stand somewhere in the gap between grieving wife and single mom of three grieving kids.

But, I also know this ... God is BIG!  Bigger than my fear and way bigger than this stupid disease!  He also tells us over and over and OVER again throughout His word: DO NOT FEAR!  So on the days when the darkness creeps in ... then we open the curtains and let in the light. 

We live in the light-hearted and we share (sometimes too much) with people around us.  Just so you all know there is no question too big, or too small, or to silly to ask.  We are an open book! With this journey we HAVE to be! Because for us, in this fight against this unseen, unfelt, mystery disease ... fear left in the dark grows and festers.  

At our wedding, we spoke this verse from Jeremiah 29:11 as a blessing over our lives and daily I cling to the promise that God has given us ... "For I know the plans I have for you, declares the Lord, plans to prosper you and not harm you, plans to give you hope and a future."

Yes!  I choose THAT!  I choose to fully rely on God, cling to that promise, drive away fear, laugh in the face of cancer, and live this life that He has blessed us with ... cancer days and all!  

Sometimes we just need some grace!

I wrote this update a while back and forgot to post it.  For those of you who were curious about how the "experiment" with our loft went down, here you go!

In a nut shell, it did not work, it in fact backfired on us severely   You know the saying "If you give them enough rope..." yeah well, they hung someone all right, but it wasn't them, it was actually us! 

Ok for those of you who may not have forgotten the blog, here is the mess that started the ohh so fun experiment in: "It's your toy room, your responsibility and you can keep it the way you want it."   Now looking back on it, it's really NOT that big of a mess, at the time I was about ready to pull my hair out, so letting them have the freedom to do with their things what they pleased seemed like a good idea.  The theory was, that they would eventually get annoyed by thier own mess and decide to clean it up themselves ... yep, it's ok to go ahead and start laughing now!

After one, seriously ... ONE WEEK of being allowed to be in charge of their own toy room, this is how the loft looked...

In case the picture doesn't really do it justice, let me elaborate ... literally every toy they have had been dumped into a huge pile!  The only things that survived the explosion were the stuffed animals on the top of the shelves and that is ONLY because they were too short to reach them!  The small walk-ways you see through the mess, I made with my feet so I could make it to the window to open and close the blinds each day! 

 Now, pause for a second, because I know all of you who DON'T have kids yet are starting to judge!  It's ok, I know... I would have too before I had kids!    I know you just made a silent pledge in your head that, "THIS WILL NEVER HAPPEN IN MY HOUSE"!  Just do me a favor and file this away somewhere in the back of your mind, so that one day if you so choose to bring a precous little being into the world, and you are standing in the midst of a mess like this one, you can take a breath and realize what all of us who have kids realize as they look at this picture ... it's just reality!

So, anyway, back to the explosion ... we let this go for about 2 weeks.  Two weeks filled with whining and crying and being sent to our rooms for gigantic fits that went something like this ....

Child1 : "Mom, I can't find my squinkies!" (FYI, squinkies are tiny little rubber balls in the shape of things like cinderella and spider man, that come in tiny little plastic easter-egg type balls, only about the size of a shooter marble ... SHOCKING you can't seem to find them!"

Me: In a very surprised and sympathetic tone, "Ohh, that's a bummer.  It is hard to find things when there is such a big mess."

Child 1: Standing there looking at me with a look of confusion, as if there was an answer they were looking for and THAT was NOT it!  

Moment of silence, followed by whining about how the loft is: " Toooo biiiiig of a messssss and weeeee caaaan't cleeeeean it upppppp!" 

Me: Still sounding sympathetic and controlled, "Ohh, that's a bummer!  Maybe you shouldn't have taken all the toys out at the same time. Maybe you should try to work together to clean it up so you can find your squinkies."

Child 1: Now visibly frustrated at my lack of help with their clearly dire situation, yells: "Mom, we can't clean it up!  If you won't help us, we're not going to ever play again!!!" Followed by crossing of the arms and stomping out of the room.

This is then followed by a reminder that:

1: I didn't actually make the mess, so it's not my responsibility to clean up 

&

 2:  We don't talk to each other like that in our house, so you can go to your room until you are ready to be loving to the people around you. 

Followed by more stomping up the stairs and a hysterical fit on their bed about being sent to their room.

5 Minutes later ....

Child 2: "Mom, I can't play with my train, their isn't any room on the floor."

You get the picture!  After 2 weeks of nicely and graciously trying to get them to see the predicament they had got themselves into and offering ample ideas as to how to rectify the situation, Brian and I finally sat down and realized that are ONLY 5! The mess had offically become too big for a 5 year old to handle. We realized we had made, and they understood, the point: that when we aren't responsible with our things, it's hard to every enjoy our things.  We also realized that it was now time to try to fix it.  We debated making them help us clean it up and ultimately decideded to use it as an opportunity to tangibly help them to understand and receive GRACE!  So one night, after they were tucked in bed, Brian and I tackled the largest sorting exercise I think I have ever done.

We placed all the empty bins and buckets around the outside of the room and dug in ... doll shoe, squinky, lego, potato head, book, doll clothes, book, block, lego, dress-up clothes, lego, squinkie, doll house furniture ... for FIVE HOURS!

The next morning when they came out to find their loft completely cleaned, organized and beautiful we  got the wonderful opportunity to talk to them about Grace.  How the mess they made was their own, they didn't diserve to have anyone clean it up for them, it was their responibility alone.  But, because we love them, we took the responibility that was theirs on ourselves and clean up their mess for them, just like Jesus took the mess we made out of our lives on himseelf and because he loves us, he took care of it!

Who knows if they really learned anything from it? It's not necessarily our best parenting ever, but at the end of the day sometimes we ALL need a little grace!