Soooo many people have been asking lately about how Brian is doing and each time I act a little surprised and answer something really stupid like: "Oh he's great!"
And then people look back at me with a look of confusion as if to say, "He does still have cancer right? How is he great?"
The honest truth is that sometimes I all but forget, that he has a disease in his body that could kill him and devastate our lives. Now before you go thinking I'm a terrible wife and wondering how in the world I could forget something like that, let me explain ....
We are a full year out from Brian's latest diagnosis and a full year through his 2 year treatment! He only goes to the cancer center every 2 months to get what I call "a miracle drug" to keep his cancer suppressed in his body.
So far it is working great! His scans are clean, his blood looks "perfect" the nurse told him yesterday (I reminded him that she said his "blood" is perfect, JUST his blood! ) and .... there are NO side effects! Well at least short term .... long term if he stays on it for more than 2 years it could cause brian damage ... yeah, lets not stay on it that long I say!!
So every other month we have a conversation that goes like this:
Brian: "I have my treatment tomorrow."
"Ohh good!" I say!
Because treatment days are kid of fun.
On treatment days, I pick the kids up from school & we go to Chick-fil-A (which is right next to the hospital) to pick up lunch for Dad.
In the car I remind them of "the rules"! 1. Be quiet like the library 2. DO NOT point at people 3. Any questions you have about anyone but Dad, keep to yourself until we leave.
(Cancer is hard to explain to kids!)
Then we pop on into the chemo room & try our best to not totally annoy all the other very sick patients in the room. We eat lunch with Daddy, check out his IV and try to yet again explain what "cancer" is and why Daddy has to keep doing this little song and dance. Say goodbye, again trying not to annoy every other patient and head home.
Daddy finishes treatment and comes home to spend the rest of the afternoon and evening with us. It's kind of like a mini, get out of our normal routine day, like a snow day ... it's our cancer day!
Now before I go on, let me clarify for any of you who may be feeling like I might be taking this whole cancer thing very light-heartedly, or who may even be feeling angry or offended because cancer in your life doesn't feel like this. For you it's heavy and terrible and sad and awful and I just made light of it.
Just so you know, in the deepest part of my heart, I hate this disease! On my darkest days, when fear creeps in to my soul, I am filled with sadness and fear and grief for what this could one day mean for me and for our kids and for Brian.
I am fully aware that at its worst this disease means Brian may miss seeing his kids or grandkids grow up. That the kids could forever be changed if the most sacred thing in their lives: their amazing Daddy, is torn from them. And that I will be left trying to stand somewhere in the gap between grieving wife and single mom of three grieving kids.
But, I also know this ... God is BIG! Bigger than my fear and way bigger than this stupid disease! He also tells us over and over and OVER again throughout His word: DO NOT FEAR! So on the days when the darkness creeps in ... then we open the curtains and let in the light.
We live in the light-hearted and we share (sometimes too much) with people around us. Just so you all know there is no question too big, or too small, or to silly to ask. We are an open book! With this journey we HAVE to be! Because for us, in this fight against this unseen, unfelt, mystery disease ... fear left in the dark grows and festers.
At our wedding, we spoke this verse from Jeremiah 29:11 as a blessing over our lives and daily I cling to the promise that God has given us ... "For I know the plans I have for you, declares the Lord, plans to prosper you and not harm you, plans to give you hope and a future."
Yes! I choose THAT! I choose to fully rely on God, cling to that promise, drive away fear, laugh in the face of cancer, and live this life that He has blessed us with ... cancer days and all!
