Live to Die another Day ...

 Some days being a parent feels a lot like living in a zoo!  Only the kind of zoo where they allow all the animals to roam free and destroy things and you have NO actual formal training as to how to run a zoo, or keep everyone from killing each other!  

Because of the lack of formal training, we are left at times to simply make it up as we go along.  The problem I have found with making it up as you go along, is that sometimes you get yourself into a situation where the animals turn on you, and then our natural fight or flight mode in our bodies is forced to take over.

I have a dear friend, who is a wonderful counselor, and she often asks me when venting about things: "Is this the hill you want to die on?"  

So, it's something I have come to start asking myself a lot!  

For example when the kids turned 4, one day I had the brilliant idea to go get extender bars for their closets, so now all of their clothes hang at their eye level and they can put them away (in theory) and take them down on their own.  

 The thing is that 4 year-olds have little concern for paying attention to things like outfits, or matching, or appropriate clothing for the current weather.  So daily it is a struggle for me to bite my tongue and not force them to go re-dress, after they come out of their rooms.   

What I have come to realize is that the issue is not their ability (or lack-there-of) to create a sensible, matching outfit for the day, but my own selfish need to present not only myself, but them, to the world in a certain way.   

After months (and I’m not exaggerating) of being SO annoyed each time they dressed themselves, I have decided daily to remind myself this: Their self-esteem and their self-confidence matters WAY more than if their clothes match!!! 

A brown shirt, with navy pants and black shoes, tells the world, and more importantly them, that they have a Mommy who believes in them, no matter if we look “put-together” or not.  

 Really when I think about it, it’s probably better this way. Because there are very, VERY few days when we are put together AT ALL, so having our outsides, match are our insides is probably a much better way of being in the world ... much more honest anyway.   

Secretly, I am still trying to find ways to help them learn HOW to match, so that maybe one day they will at least have the ability to do it, if they so choose to try! 

For now though, I have decided that "Matching Clothes" is just is not the hill I want to die on.

~

However, it its place Brian and I found another equally annoying hill I like to call: "Putting Away Your Toys". 

We promptly marched ourselves up to the top of it, planted our flag and prepared for battle! 

Here is the battle I daily have in front of me ...

For those of you without kids, my guess is you are wondering 2 things: do kids really make that big of a mess and how long does it take for them to do that? 

The answer is EVERYDAY and it only takes about 1 afternoon of good solid playtime to accomplish this level of destruction!

I have tried the: "You can only take 1 toy out at a time" rule, which does work ... if you have time to watch them like a hawk!  

Heaven forbid you try to accomplish something in your day, like a load of laundry, or unloading the dishwasher or going to the bathroom by yourself  .......  TA DA ... CHAOS!

The problem is that even though we knowingly climbed up this hill for the battle, now we are dying!  I mean really DYYYYIIIINNNNGGG! 


It's a slow, horrible, painful battle every day to get them to clean up their mess!  The battle usually takes on some version of this:

Me: Go clean up the mess you made in the loft.

Child 1: (with attitude, to Child 2) You have to clean up YOUR toys and I will clean up MINE! 

 Child 2: (already angry) I ALREADY KNOW THAT!

Me: Both of you just worry about yourselves and go clean up.

... a few minutes pass...

 ... someone starts screaming ...

Child 2: (crying) Moooooom! She hit me!

Me: Why?

 Child 2: Because I wasn't cleaning up the toys. (At least they are honest!)

Child 1: (yelling from upstairs) He's not cleaning up, he's playing and it's not fair! I am doing it all myself!!!

Me: Have a seat in time out, you are not allowed to hurt each other, even if you're angry.

... time out for 5 minutes ...

Me: Please just be responsible for YOURSELF and go pick up your toys. I am setting the timer for 15 minutes, at the end whatever is left I am going to put into time out.

Both of them run to put away their toys...

... a few minutes pass...

... someone starts crying ....


... and ON and ON and ONNNN it goes ...

See what I mean ... DYYYIIINNNGGG!!!!!!!

So, today I talked with Brian when he came home and we decided to wave our white flag in surrender!  They have us cornered and today we are choosing flight rather than fight and are climbing down off the hill.  Because truthfully I don't want to die on this hill and their is a real possibility I might, if I have to fight for even one more day.

We sat them down to let them know that from now on the loft an their rooms are theirs to use as they like. Their toys are THEIR responsibility. This revelation was met with enormous smiles by both of them!  I'm not sure yet if that should make us feel relieved or REALLY scared.

It is, at it's core, a grand experiment in reverse -psychology and we are going to PRAY that one day the mess they make will annoy them enough that they will decide to pick it up all on their own ...

I will keep you posted, if that day EVER comes ...

If not, at least we will live to die another day!